I Was Happy That I Lost Weight, But I Feel Ashamed Of The Way I Felt To An Uncle’s Remark

Last year, I was down with jaundice and measles. I was bedridden for a month, and naturally, I shed a few kilos. One day after I was well enough to get out of the house, my parents and I went for grocery shopping. My father met one of his colleagues and he had never been more delighted to see me.

He approved of how thin I’d become. He told me that I finally looked like a student from Delhi University and that I would do okay if I didn’t put on anymore weight. (Heads up: I AM studying in Delhi University but evidently, I didn’t look a part of it before.)

I am ashamed to say I was pleased. But I went home and thought about it. And the more I did, the more insulted I felt. Here’s what his words loosely translated into – even though I was recovering from an illness and was still on medication, I was thinner and thus, I had reached the pinnacle of success.

Back in school, I was always somewhat overweight, according to people around me and my BMI too. Though, we all know by now the concept of BMI is a sham, and I quote NPR, ”(It is a) 200-year-old numerical hack developed by a mathematician who was not even an expert in what little was known about the human body back then”; but more on that later. (Or maybe you can do your own research.  I’m not here to tell you everything.) I had a lot of body image issues right from my childhood. Now, contrary to popular opinion that fat people are fat because they are lazy, I had what you’d call a healthy lifestyle. I used to ride a bike to school and to my tuitions, I wasn’t a TV junkie, I did not have the habit of gorging on junk food (like I do now) and I had a very normal sleeping pattern. But I was fat. And I’ve lost count of the number of times I was shamed because of my fatness.

I was teased, most of the time in good humor, for being fat, by my classmates, friends & family. I had nicknames – Petli (that is Assamese for plump), Motu (Hindi for plump), and so many other endearing, loving expressions for my fatness. Of course they didn’t mean any harm, and I knew that. So I’d take it all in because I really couldn’t rage at them. And if I did, well, I wouldn’t be just fat anymore. I would have been the fat WHINY girl in class.

You’d think such minute comments on your figure wouldn’t matter, but here’s the deal: IT DOES. And it is toxic.

Body shaming is bad, but fat shaming is particularly vicious because it is almost always your fault. Maybe if you eat yoghurt. Maybe if you didn’t sit around all day with your nose buried in that book. Maybe if you do push-ups, sit-ups etcetera. Maybe if you walk to school. Maybe if you just PEDAL HARDER.

I used to loathe shopping for clothes. I hated pretty clothes because they wouldn’t look pretty on me.  Getting out of the house for birthday parties & dinners were a nightmare.  But I did it anyway. And I survived. But with a very low self esteem.

I started using social media in high school. You’d be amazed at the kind of fat phobia that exists in these circles. Word would travel that I am fat from person to person. This is the first subject that’d crop up every time I talk to someone, “I heard from <insert name of a random person from school> that you’re fat.” Things like these would make me sick to my stomach.

Social media is also where I first saw them, those feel good posts. “No matter how you look on the outside, it is the inside that really matters.” “Boys like girls with a beautiful heart, not a pretty face (cue irritating smiley).” You get the drift.

It was very encouraging at first. I felt empowered. Power to us ugly fat girls! So what if we are not objects of beauty, we’ve got good hearts and that counts in the big dating world. Or does it?

What if I don’t want to have a good heart? What if I am ugly inside out and I am okay with that? What is this inane need to feel attractive all the time? I mean, since our bodies cannot be sexualized; now we need to work on our personalities to make it appealing to men?

What if, I am in terms with the fact that I am fat? What if I don’t want to lose any weight? Would you be okay with that?

No you wouldn’t, and here’s why – fat people are not pleasing to the eye. It is not about health. We don’t like looking at fat people. We wouldn’t like, say, a fat guy wearing shorts. Or maybe a fat girl wearing a crop top (look at all those stomach fat!). We thus, police fat people.

Fat people should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies in private. If they want to lose weight, that’s okay. And if they’d rather focus on other things in their life (because I’ve got news for you: losing weight may not be everyone’s number one priority), that is okay too. Fat people should be allowed their space. A person being fat doesn’t give you the right to offer them unsolicited advice about health.

It took me a long time to rebuild my opinion about myself and I am still working on it. Some days I feel really good about my image, but there are low times too. I am fat, and I don’t have a good heart and that is all right. I don’t have to feel beautiful all the time (or at all) and that is acceptable to me too.

Please remember this the next time you are about to make an offhand comment about someone’s weight. It might seem funny to you, but you might just be contributing to a person’s negative body image.