In my early years of parenthood, I did not see my parenting style with enough depth to make a good judgment of how my actions, expressions, emotions, my conflicts with my husband were affecting my child. I used to go off on tangents; could not stick to my decisions and I used to sob a lot. I spoke to my husband a number of times to try to improve the home environment and reached out to a marriage/family therapist as things were really going badly at home. He simply refused and said that only the mentally retarded are taken to therapists. I was hugely disappointed and that made me more distanced from my husband. But I had to do something! So, I started improving myself, though I must admit it was a slow improvement.
I started watching my actions and my emotions. I read articles on parenting and continuously put every effort toward improving myself. But still something was lacking…and it was my husband’s cooperation.
Looking at our conflicts, it reminded me of my childhood, how I used sit terrified in my own house when my parents had a fight; all those moments of pain that I had in my childhood; the detachment, loneliness, a feeling of being lost and worried all the time. No, I did not and do not want my son to experience that. It took us a lot of time to improve our home environment and we are still working on it. Things could have been quicker if we had approached a family therapist in the early years of our marriage. I started learning from my mistakes. I realized that my child was providing me feedback through his reactions to my actions. It is my utmost responsibility to be mindful and alert to my child’s feedback and then work on it.
I am not an academic philosopher, sociologist or therapist, but, I want to share what I have learned from my experiences:
- If you have a shaky marriage, seek help soon. The sooner the better. Neither you nor your child can live in a complicated and hostile environment. Make your home a sweet home.
- Be open and accept the facts. Be open to feedback. A child who is yelling and throwing tantrums is actually giving feedbacks to you. You must not reject or ignore it. Be mindful, too, of how you respond to your child’s behaviours.
- Don’t just look beautiful; be beautiful from the inside. Depression is a sick thing; don’t let it ruin you. My parents suffered with depression, never sought treatment and just tried to “live with it.” This was their biggest mistake. Even I did the same, to some extent. Only Happy and Confident parents can keep their children Happy and Confident. Depression causes poor health and much more damage than one can estimate. So, don’t waste your life being depressed. For me, the best cure was to start helping others. I started helping others with little things, like giving food to poor people, giving clothes to orphaned children, educating underprivileged children and now-a-days, I write articles on social issues. I feel youthful, powerful and happy; I am no longer depressed.
- You can teach your child self-calming strategies only if you know how to calm down yourself; that is because children are visual thinkers. It is effective to use stories, puppets, pictures and role plays to help them practice calming thoughts. Make use of your emotional language while you are asking your child, “Have you ever had someone make fun of you? How did that feel? Was it hurtful?” When your child shares a feeling, help him/her release the negative thought through breathing. If the feeling is an upset feeling, and you should demonstrate your child to take deep breaths and calm down. Help your child develop positive imagery of things. Follow your child’s lead and ideas and praise his/her willingness to practice taking deep breaths.
- Avoid statements like, “Don’t be sad. Don’t be angry.” Imagine someone saying the same thing to you when you are actually feeling sad or angry. Can you stop feeling that just because someone has told you not to be sad or angry? No, you cannot. So, you should say, “I can see how sad you are feeling, and to feel so is very normal.” Or “I can see how frustrated you are feeling now.” “But, can we try out something to help you? Can we try to relax by taking deep breaths or watching a good cartoon movie?” Hold your child’s hand and say, “Let us close our eyes for a minute. Everyone gets teased at times. But we can handle this calmly.” “Everyone makes mistakes. But we can let go of this guilt now and discover forgiveness.” Teach your children how to counterbalance their frustrations, fear, and anger. Make them practise this more and more daily. Reinforce purposeful and joyful activities after a disappointing or frustrating situation to keep your home environment pleasant.
Using all the above said things, I have been able to make my parenting style effective. I coached myself and I am still coaching myself and accepting each new obstacle as an opportunity to learn new things.
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