In between IPL season 8 and Rahul Gandhi’s return, the news channels were buzzing with the news of a young woman committing suicide and blaming her husband’s gay life as the reason. Social media saw a bag of mixed responses. Many blamed the husband for inflicting emotional trauma, forcing the young doctor to take such a drastic step, while some blamed the woman for not being strong enough and getting a divorce. But who is really to be blamed here? Is it the husband? Is it the heart broken, dead wife? Or the society?
It’s already hard enough to be gay in our community, let alone trying to be the ideal person which involves being the perfect son, listening to everything our parents ask, a perfect husband, making our “other half” happy and look into the future and become an example setting father. In between where is the time to actually be yourself? This person, who knew his sexuality, seemed to have sorted most of it except for his own self. He had married a woman knowing he can never make her happy. He, according to the wife’s final testimony, continued to have physical relations with other men. But can we actually blame him?
Put yourself in his place. You are gay, and in a respectable place in your life, working in a world renowned hospital, and you have “Indian Parents”. And like all Indian parents, they too want to see their daughter-in-law and grandchildren. What do you do in this situation? You can’t tell them that you are gay, it would kill you, or in some cases they will kill you. So you get married to the woman your parents want. And then try to live a lie. The only problem with living a lie is it’s a LIE. How long can you sustain it? How long can you fake it?
Priya Vedi, in her final post had blamed her husband’s alternate interest as the reason behind her suicide. “You are a devil.K” was her final line. But was he really?
I for one somehow can’t relate to it. He was gay, fine. He couldn’t establish a physical relationship with the woman, fine. But reports state that he had confessed about his orientation to her, then why did she remain in the marriage? Also reports state that she had tried committing suicide two weeks earlier, then why didn’t her family take a step? These questions will remain unanswered now that she is dead. And who do we blame? The gay husband? Is that fair?
I also don’t understand the term “Abnormal sexuality” which she used in her note. Is it really abnormal? And who is she to label it abnormal? Also, another fact that I couldn’t digest is that she named other men with whom her husband may have had physical relations with. So was it right on her part to do so? In our society where being gay is a taboo, was her revelation justified?
Of course we can’t blame the dead, because they are dead. And we as a society respect the dead. Well, not me. I don’t agree with her step. Living in Delhi, being well educated and being an established adult, according to me it was a stupid decision.
Let’s look at the alternatives then. She could have filed for a divorce. She writes “I just wanted to be with you, accepting you because I loved you very much, but you never knew importance of this”
He was gay for crying out loud. It’s like asking a victim of cerebral palsy to run like the wind. Expecting him to change or understand is pointless. So why not leave him? If she was worried about hurting her family, well how happy are they now? If divorce was not an option, there were other options. They could have formulated a way of life more suited for them.
In our society, strictly talking about life in Delhi, where live-in relations are accepted was there no other way? Was there no council? Why not have an open marriage?
“Till now he tried to do sex 8 to 10 times with me, but was unable to do with me we never had intercourse. I never told this to anyone because I was in love with him I thought one day everything would be okay “
Again, When he is gay, he is gay for life. Nothing is going to change “ONE DAY”. And it was clear when he was having sex with other men. Why not find a compromising ground and have an open marriage?
Having said all these things there is another person who failed. It was the husband. He failed his family by not standing up to them, he failed other gay men who, despite all pressures from the society don’t live a lie. No matter what one may argue, it is true that his cowardliness was also a reason behind the death. And unless men like him start accepting their own identity, there will be more such cases in the future.
All these points will make no sense, all questions will remain unanswered. The husband will be ridiculed for the rest of his life, thanks to the media. He will never be normal, neither will his family. But this incident better not point a finger at the LGBT community. Or this country, where government officials deal drugs will remain what it is today. A society of double standards, where everyone is interested in what’s happening in other’s bed as long as its not homosexual. This is not the character of a free country. Freedom is our right, this includes the freedom of our sexuality. The sooner the society understands this, the better.
Before I end this, I must say, it’s sad that a life is lost. And it’s because of us, who just won’t accept other’s natural self. They were just born that way.
