A silent eight-year-old Samantha was alone at her house and was waiting for her parents to return home from the clinic. She always wanted to look into her mother’s desk to know what the mother had stored in it. But she remembered how she was spanked and hit when she took out Crayola markers from her mother’s desk without seeking permission. So, Samantha lay on the floor, still and inactive for hours, thinking nothing, just waiting for the parents to come back home.
A few days ago, on Samantha’s birthday, the house was filled with many guests and children who had come there to celebrate her birthday. There were gifts, decorative things, balloons, cake and candies. But there was also a lot of mess at the end of the birthday party. Seeing the mess, Samantha’s mother shouted angrily, “Hell! I will have to clean all his mess by myself. No one will come and help me, I know.” Her husband, David replied, “Yes, all women do it. It’s not a big deal.”
Her mother turned furiously listening to David’s reply and soon, both were arguing over the matter. While Samantha was unwrapping her gifts, she heard a shrilling voice, and she rushed to the bedroom. She saw that her father was slapping and beating her mother. She was bewildered seeing this. She tried to intervene to save her mother and pleaded her father to leave her mother alone as her mother was no longer able to breathe.
David had no control over his anger; he thrashed his wife, and hit her repeatedly to the point wherein she lost her breath followed by an asthma attack. Little Samantha rushed to find the mother’s inhaler to save her mother. Her mother’s life was saved by Samantha’s efforts.
Samantha was terrified seeing the marks of the violent assault on her mother’s body. However, this was not the first time that Samantha had seen domestic violence at home. She had been observing such incidents, perhaps before she was even five-year-old. I am sure the distressing sounds of violence must have affected her mind so much that she could hardly focus on her studies. This became obvious to me when I saw her school notebooks. Things became clearer to me when, during a drawing competition, I told Samantha to sketch her home and she drew a broken and scattered house, that showed her parents engaged in a fight.
In the class, Samantha was quietest child and the “dullest” one too. She was called “Ms. Day Dreamer” by students and other teachers, as most of the times she was lost in her imaginary world. She used to tell her friends that the two trees in her house are her parents. “What? The two trees in her house are your parents?” This is what I thought to myself when I came to know about it from a poem that Samantha had written. It was a poem in which a death was lamented. Isn’t it shocking that an eight-year old girl wrote a poem about death, loneliness and her imaginary parents?
I asked Samantha, “Did you write this poem?” She looked so tearful when she said “Yes.” Loneliness is hard to heal for such a small child. It requires more than just casual social contact; it requires the parents to engage with the child emotionally; and to understand the child’s needs genuinely. It requires parents to be patient and use the language of love so that the child develops respect and love for their parents. Kids grow to love and respect parents who are honest about their feelings and who know how to safeguard their kids’ self-respect. Apparently, Samantha’s parents failed in both things.
Caring for Samantha, I wrote a letter to her parents so that they could start realizing that their parenting style was dysfunctional. To my shock, I learned from Samantha that she was ruthlessly slapped, hit and thumped by her parents. She was told by her parents that she would not be allowed to attend school if she continued to taint their image by telling stories about them to me and her other teachers. I felt so sorry for this little girl. Had she really done anything so grossly wrong or evil that her parents treated her like this? No, she had not. Was she living in an appropriate family environment? No. She certainly was not.
Hitting, pushing, jerking, yelling, pinching, all these actions communicate to the child that the child is bad and wrong, and has done something for which the child must be punished. However, parents must understand that all these actions shatter the child’s self-image and the entire understanding of what a home should be like. I felt the responsibility to help my student, Samantha; therefore, I informed the school vice-principal about this.
I, and the staff in-charge had many meetings with Samantha’s parents and we discussed with them how Samantha’s development was at risk because children who are exposed to violence in the home may have difficulty in learning; they may have limited social skills; they may also exhibit violent, risky or delinquent behavior, or suffer from depression or severe anxiety. I don’t know whether the parents understood what we wanted to convey. The school counseling sessions with Samantha and her parents are still ongoing and I am wishful of her parents to realize how wrong they have been in their parenting style and how they can improve their home environment.
Let me illustrate to you some of the key findings that have been discussed in a UNICEF document:
There is a common link between domestic violence and child abuse. Among victims of child abuse, 40% report domestic violence in the home. Infants and small children who are exposed to violence in the home experience so much added emotional stress that it can harm the development of their brains and impair cognitive and sensory growth. Behavior changes can include excessive irritability, sleep problems, emotional distress, fear of being alone, immature behavior, and problems with toilet training and language development.
At an early age, a child’s brain is becoming ‘hard-wired’ for later physical and emotional functioning. Exposure to domestic violence threatens that development. As they grow, children who are exposed to violence may continue to show signs of problems. Primary-school-age children may have more trouble with school work, and show poor concentration and focus. They tend not to do as well in school. In one study, 40% had lower reading abilities than children from non-violent homes. Personality and behavioral problems among children exposed to violence in the home can take the forms of psychosomatic illnesses, depression, suicidal tendencies, and bed-wetting.
Later in life, these children are at greater risk for substance abuse, juvenile pregnancy and criminal behavior than those raised in homes without violence. Some studies suggest social development is also damaged. Some children lose the ability to feel empathy for others. Others feel socially isolated, unable to make friends as easily due to social discomfort or confusion over what is acceptable (Source)
Most parents choose punishment as an easy approach in trying to change their children’s unacceptable behavior. However, we must consider certain things:
- “What is the punishment?”
- “Is it important to punish the child?”
- “How is the child being punished?”
- “What is unacceptable behavior for you as a parent?”
- “Don’t you, as a parent, sometimes do things that are unacceptable to the child?”
- “If yes, then, are all adults punished for their unacceptable behaviors?”
- Lastly, “Who decides what unacceptable behavior is?”
Disciplining children through punishments is not an ideal approach because there are many pitfalls and some can be quite destructive to the parent-child relationship. If you want your child to be loving, responsible, dependable, thoughtful, successful, courteous, competent, and much more, then first you need to WALK THE TALK.
“The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only those things that are in line with your principles and bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny…it is the light that guides your way.” –Heraclitus
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